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just want to loose weight...
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in carrieebradshaw's LiveJournal:

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Monday, April 21st, 2008
2:11 pm
This sucks. I want to just eat normally and hit a stable weight and then lose weight in a healthy way, but my weight never seems to stablize. Then again, I'm not sure I'm giving it the appropriate chance. I just can't wait long enough to give it the chance. What if I just keep gaining and gaining. I can't live any fatter than I am right now. I'm 150lbs. I can't believe I ever let myself get this big. All my pants are tight now.
I'm just not eating for the rest of the day. I don't have a plan for tomorrow, but I know for today, nothing. It's easier for me to have nothing then to restrict.

Wednesday, February 20th, 2008
12:24 pm
So today is day 1 of my fast. So far I've had
1 orange
1 apple
1 v8
2 teas

I'm definitely hungry and I definitely want a smoke but i'm not gonna let that happen just yet. I'm going to either watch a movie or take a nap because I think it's especially important to stay busy on the first day. Then I"m going to eat a small serving of vegetables and go to a yoga class and sweat it out.

Then bed early.

I hope I can make this fast last for 3 days. maybe more!!
Tuesday, February 19th, 2008
10:42 pm
Well, this morning I weighed in at 148lbs.
I'm starting a vegetable and fruit fast tomorrow. I think I'll take it for 3 days.
Only water, vegetable juice and herbal tea. NO weird fruit juices. They're full of sugar and calories and I don't want them.
Any fruits and vegetables are okay, as long as they are raw. That's it.

I feel like I need to detox....big time. I'm not sure where this came from. I'm torn because half of me wants to live the "i don't give a fuck' lifestyle. I want to drink and smoke and just not care whatever happens. However, the other half of me wants to do the all natural, healthy hippy diet.

I love smoking. I love coffee, i love junk food. I think i love them all too much. I think it would be very good for me to avoid these thigns for a while.
I am really uninterested in smoking wrinkles....
and maybe I can loose a few pounds if I do this.
I need to get down to 138 by my birthday. That's still a huge weight but it's a start. It's 3lbs away from the average weight for my height.

Wish me luck startin tomorrow.
Wednesday, January 2nd, 2008
9:35 pm
148 (night-time now)
Today went well. I definitely think I'll be able to maintain this 800cal/day idea. Hopefully in the next few days I'll be able to figure out a work-out schedual and fit in at least 2 days of exercise. I've always aimed for 4 or 5 in the past and that's just not realistic for me and my crazy schedual, so 2 is better. Plus the exercise I already do at home.
I need to pick either two classes/week that I'll ALWAYS go to, or two times/week that I'll always attend.
Maybe one class and one free gym time. I'll just work my way up from there.
I've gone 2 days without smoking now...so...maybe the running thing will start coming together again...slowly...

I bought some hoodia. I really doubt it'll have any effect but I'm such a sucker I'll try anything once.
I've done too much speed and blow in my life to be affected by a little bit of a herbal supplement.

Tomorrow is gonna be a long day....
school 7am-10am
work #1 10:30am - 4pm
work #2 5pm - 11pm


cheerios 120
apple 85
salad w/tuna&dress 180
can of soup 150
subway salad 300

Total is approx. 835
close enough
It's gonna be a busy day anyway.
I won't have time to eat too much
just can't over-do it at work
NO NO NO NO treats
coffee, water, soda water, diet coke.
I'm bringing some cauliflower to snack on too.

I haven't seen the dude I like in a few days. I stayed at his place on the 29th, and then i talked to him just after midnight on new years. I know he's a cop and he's busy with his new job and stuff so I won't worry too much. BUT I called him new years and I also initiated last time we hung out. I'd like a little reciprocation here... When we're together he tells me how much he likes me and how awesome I am and stuff...but when we're not together I rarely hear from him. I wish he was more clear and steady.
He's such an intensely private person....very hard to get to know. I'm working on him...but i feel like I shouldn't have to work too hard. I just got out of a very long and poopy relationship...I want him to pursue me!! i've been after him for more than a year now.
Today I was talking to a very close friend of mine about this gentleman, and I mentioned that he was very very private, and she said that I"m very much so the same...I wonder if he gets that impression from me and is keeping distance on purpose? AH, I wish things were just more obvious for me. I'm stupid, i need help figuring thses things out!

anwyay, off to prep food for tomorrow, and then exercise, then bed.
Hoping for a nice 147 tomorrow
1:23 pm
pounds lost: 3
pounds until STGW: 13

I know I should the thoroughly disappointed in my weight right now because I was supposed to be 144 today...but I'm not. I'm almost relieved. I had a wonderful holiday season. I ate more than I would have liked but I didn't gain anything and thats more than I can say for previous years. I drank a FUCK of a lot on new years...liquid calories galore...and still no gain. So hey, things could be a lot worse.

I started back at school today. My very last semester. I'm glad to be back because of the structure. Structure keeps my eating at a minimum. I'm able to plan meals and bring food. I also feel more ready for this semester. I've had to cut back hours at my job, but I'm relieved about that too because there's a lot of stress of my back. AND AND AND I can use the excuse of being broke so I don't have to go out and eat and drink with people.

1 cup skim milk 90
1 cup cheerios 120
1 apple 85
1 salad 40
dressing 50
tuna 120

total so far: 505

I have about 300 remaining calories for the day.
1 potato 100
2 tsp. lt margerine 25
soup 150

total: 780

I'm going to make modifications of this pattern and try to make this an every day thing.

plus lots and lots and lots of coffee.

this week's goal is to be 146 for monday the 8th.
and to do 40 sit ups and 15 push ups a day.
maybe throw some extra walking in there
I'm not ready to start running again yet....i'm not even sure I've quit smoking

incentive: When I hit 140 I can spend my christmas gift cards for new clothes!
8 pounds until new clothes!

Current Mood: excited
Tuesday, January 1st, 2008
10:39 pm
pounds lost: 3

STILL 3. I'm WAY WAY behind on my schedual now. Fuck.

School starts tomorrow. Back to some structure. THis is definitely a good thing. Today was the first day of 2007 and I suppose it went well. I think I'm going to try to keep my daily total this week at 800 cal and see how things go.

I realize that seems like a high number. If I keep it at 800 though it's enough to definitely me full and be able to get some exercise.
I would really like some definition on my arms and stomach.

going to bed, bye
Sunday, December 30th, 2007
1:02 pm
pounds lost: 3
pounds until STGW: 13

So Christmas is finally over. Thank god. I had a lovely time of course but that subtle christmas depression was starting to get more than just subtle. And I was eating way too much.

And I didn't lose anything. I gained 1lb. Now I'm way way way behind schedual. By January 1st, I'm supposed to be 144. I'm guessing I'll be more like 147 or 146. Damn. Oh well. In the past i've let myself get really really sad and upset about not losing and I'm not gona let that happen again. I'm just going to keep working at it. I have to be more organized. The trick is to bring food everywhere. I know that sounds very counter-productive but it's not. If I have a small, low-cal lunch or dinner with me at work or school, then I won't be tempted to go buy something ridiculous and shitty.

In that spirit, I've gotta go get ready for work. And i've got to make myself something to eat there. Salad it is.
I need to find a way to drink without all the calories. it's a futile battle I think. Guess i might just have to drink less.

New years resolutions? Well, there's always the cliche LOSE WEIGHT which I'm not even going to list.
1. be more organized with school/work/time
2. spend more time with my friends/people I love
3. do more drugs

Gotta go get dressed
Fingers crossed for 147 tomorrow.

Current Mood: disappointed
Friday, December 28th, 2007
4:18 pm
christmas is coming to an end...
I go back home tomorrow. Having the last 5 days off work has been lovely. I feel more relaxed. I also feel sad. Something about coming home for the holiday always leaves me with a sour taste in my mouth. Spending the time with my family and friends leaves a lurking sadness in the back of my head. It's hard to explain. It'll probably lurk around for a month or so and subside. Oh subtle depression....wouldn't be christmas without it.

I don't think I did too poorly over this holiday. By that I mean I probably didn't gain any weight. I DEFINITELY did NOT lose any though. That's sad. I"m way off schedual now. My plan was to be 144 for new years. It's now to be 146 for new years. My scale here and at home are way off. There's no way for me to keep track. I guess I'll see when I get home. I'm not expecting anything great.

However, I'm in the right mindset. things'll be looking up soon.
Wednesday, December 19th, 2007
9:32 pm
pounds lost: 4
pounds to go until STGW: 12
pounds to go until LTGW: 27

So that puts me at 147. Good! It's fine for me to stay at this weight as long as I hit 146 by monday. That's good, I'm pleased. I'm going to maintain....keep eating soup....and go with the flow. Things are good.

The other day I was walking by a mirrored glass, and it must have been a little distorted because I looked thin. Thin thin. Like, skinny. I've never been skinny once in my entire life. It was very inspiring.

Tomorrow I work 6 - 12, then I'm gonna stop by the grocery store, get some appropriate groceries, and relax. My roomates are gone as of tomorrow so I'm free. My clothes already feel looser.

AND and and AND AND he called me tonight. Things are just going too well to be true. Too good. I'm so good.
Well, I've got my period and I was realy crampy this morning, but I"m not now.

One more pound and I will have lost 5lbs. That's when things start to become noticable. After that is 6, which is on the way to 10.
If I can stay on schedual, I'll be at 135 in 6 weeks. February. By my birthday I MIGHT be 120.

I need to stop imagining this. If it doesn't work out I'll be uber-disappointed. No negative thinking. Not too much positive. Things are going well and that's that...

AH, i'm too happy

Current Mood: cheerful
Tuesday, December 18th, 2007
9:53 pm
pounds lost: 3
pounds to go until STGW: 13
pounds to go unitl LTGW: 28

So I hit my monday goal of 148. Next monday (Christmas) 146. Monday after (New Years) 144. Then school.
I feel so good. Like I'm really gonna do this. I don't feel rushed or panicked or anything like I used to.
Slow and steady.
I'm concerned about Christmas, but if I do my very best this week then hopefully I'll stay in the mindframe.

So I started this journal almost a year ago. Part of it was about losing weight, part of it was about hooking up with this guy I've been in love with for a long time. I've been up and down all year in the weight part. Hopefully this'll be the final down...
Things have been really up and down with the guy too. Like I've explained a hundred times before, he's a fair bit older than me, and the most incredible guy ever. I worked with him at my stupid minimum-wage job, and at the time I think he was in a place where he had no idea what he wanted out of life. We hooked up a couple times but it always left me excited but wanting more. I didn't think he was into me, the silly tattooed 21 year old goofball. Well, in the beginning of the summer, he got a real job offer and went away for the last 4 months training. He came back a couple times, and again we hooked up here and there but I always figured it would never amount to anything, and it was just the sex (which by the way, I always skipped out early in the morning because I was shy and never knew what he wanted.)
Anyway, he's back from training now, and has a real job and is this amazing (hot hot hot) person....and he took me to a movie last night.
He likes me. For real. I think it was a real-live date. He bought me a diet coke (hehehe) and held my hand in the movie (in a cute/non-disgusting way) Then he walked me home, and kissed me on my door step. A nice kiss. Not a lot of tongue, a very gentlemanly kiss.
I think this may be too good to be true.....for real.
I'm really interested in seeing what the next little while brings.

As far as the weight part goes, he is jsu another reason as to why i should do this. Above all else, I want to be skinny for me...to feel comfortable in my own skin, to like the way I look. BUT, I'd also like to look good for him. I know he likes me for me....obviously the chubbly person i currently am, but who doesn't want a hot thin girlfriend? He's super fit and healthy. I'd like to look nice beside him.

Anyway, work 7-3 tomorrow. Then I dunno what. Not eating I guess.

Current Mood: hopeful
Sunday, December 16th, 2007
2:27 pm
Pounds lost: 3
Pounds to go until STGW: 13
Pounds to go until LTGW: 28

Heading to a family dinner tonight. It's gonna be hell. I don't even know these people. i've gotta go in there acting all calm and normal. Gotta wear long sleves to cover up the tattoos. Gotta pretend to eat normally. fuck.
At least my sister's not going. She's always been the skinny one and I feel like such a blimp when she's arond.

In slightly better news, I've down to 148. The scale teetered between 148 and 147 this morning too which is great. I think I've had a pretty sucessful week so far. By the timeline I have, I'm supposed to be at 148 for monday. If I can be less than that, it'll be great.
I was really scared because I ate a lot last night and had a lot to drink. Aparently I'm still on track though. Food just isn't worth it.
I'm gonna keep at this and work so hard and really enjoy the results. My clothes fit better already.

Gotta go
Saturday, January 13th, 2007
11:34 pm
I'm only hungry right before bed.
Calorie count for the day is probably around 700.
Fine for now
Got a lot of stuff tidied up in my room tonight and literally ALL of my laundry done. Hurrah!

Long day tomorrow. I'm confidnet in myself. Also excited to weigh in tomorrow morning
hoping for 149 or less

bed, now, night!
Wednesday, December 13th, 2006
4:56 pm
wednesday - 3
Today's gone pretty well so far. I had part of a brownie, and some crackers but that still can't put me at more than 500-600. I'm probably gonna end up having some soup this evening but it's super low-cal so whatever. I don't think I'll be making it to the gym tonight. I've got a very busy day tomorrow and friday so that's a no-go either. However, they're busy enogh that I'll be running around all day anyway...so I'm okay with it. I'll definitely go Saturday though.

I have high hopes, I really do. I'm trying to act/dress a little more my age, for various reasons.

-when all I wear is dirty jeans and a hoodie all the time, I just look disgusting. and fat fat fat. No wonder I feel shitty all the time...i dress like a bum. If I start wearing nicer clothes, I'll start looking better.
-if I start trying to wear my nicer clothes, hopefully I'll put more effort into my appearance. This includes eating and exercising too. Looking good/losing weight kind of feed off eachother.
-the dude I'm really into is a fair bit older than me. I know that he's into me, but I jsut feel like I should start being a little less bum lady-friend and a little more cute, hip girl. That's why dressing nicer is important....I have some tattoos on my arms and stuff...so I'd like to counter that with some fun funky clothes. (p.s. I love the tattoos of course...i just need to make myself classier).

Anyway, I'm gonna start taking the leptopril every day again. I'm definitely going to be updating this journal as much as possible too. I hate to see myself get into old habits....where I lose 5lbs, gain them back, lose them, gain them back and cry a bunch and feel sad, etc.etc.etc. That's why i honestly have to give it a good shot this time. Just 15 measly pounds. That's not bad. I'm gonna be done school in 4 months, then it's time for me to get a real job. I need the confidence. I know my brains are good, but without the confidence I"ll never really do it.

I have a cigarette. A girl I work with gave it to me. Now I haven't actually smoked a whole smoke since friday...and it's now wednesday...so that makes this day 5. I had a half smoke on sat, and a few drags sunday but nothing monday+tues. Is it better for me to abstain fully, or should I give myself a smoke once in a while just to not be cold turkey? I dunno. I'm definitely gonna smoke as soon as my roomate leaves though.

Alright, enough sitting on my fat ass on the net, it's time to finish organizing my room and stuffs.

Tuesday, December 12th, 2006
10:11 pm
Back to this again. I go through such crazy phases. I am trying to get healthy here. Seriously healthy. It's going to involve calorie restriction, but also exercise and no smoking anymore (boo...i miss it already). Anyway, I'm back at 150 again. It's retarded. In the last 3 years I've been up and down, lowest being 137, highest being 161. I know that probably the healthiest weight for my size would be around 135. I still want to weigh 125, or maybe less...but my aim is 135 for now. That's 15lbs. In 2 months? Can't hurry it too much or I'll fuck up and it'll just come righ back.

11 150
18 148
25 146
1 144
8 142
15 140
22 138
29 136

So 135 by the end of January? It seems like it should be no problem
I jsut have to promise myself less than 1000 cal. a day while still exercising at least 4 times/week.
I'm done school for the semester, my schedual will be a little more calm next semester, so i should be able to squeeze a little more in.

I've been eating only soup for 2 days, so I'm gonnna see how long I can keep that up.
More to come tomorrow.
more exercise too.

I would really like to start dressing my age too.

Friday, November 17th, 2006
7:55 pm
I have SO let myself go. Not a whole lot....but god, life is so busy....I've been maintaining at about 147, and in reading my previous entries, I am feeling overly disgusting. Lets just say it's about time to do something about this problem.
9:43 am
Does anybody have any personal experiences with LEPTOPRIL?
good, bad?
Tuesday, July 4th, 2006
2:40 pm
I've been eating between 800-1100 cal a day and exercising hard for an hour a day. When I first started I went all the way from 144 to 149...in like, 3 days... I freaked but decided to give it a week... It's been 9 days and I'm back down to 144. I know it seems like I've just wasted the last week but I dunno, this seems to be working out really well. I'm gonna give this psudo-normal eating and exercise deal one month. I think I need to for my metabolism's sake...

Sometimes I have nightmares about how much I had eaten the day before...a thousand calories!! ahhh!! I wake up positive that the scale will explode when I step on it, but the number seems the be consistently going down...and my clothes are already starting to fit better...it's really weird. I feel like somebody is playing a trick on me....and i'm more giant than ever....

fuck, who knows... i just want to do anything to get skinny...and what I was doing before wasn't working...and this seems to at least hinder my "I'M SO FAT I WANNA KILL MYSELF" freakouts...y'know?
Ever get those? Where you try on a shirt or catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and decide that you don't deserve to live...or life isn't worth living because you're such a beast?? well, that happens to me every couple days and it was getting pretty scary.

I dunno. I don't know anything. THis might last another 2 days and then i'll say fuck-it... or maybe I'll actually become healthy (is 800cal a day healthy though?) I still wanna be really fucking emaciated skinny...I don't really want to beone of those healthy 130lb girls...

ack, I just don't know what I want. I do know that I am going to the gym right now to work out really fuckin' hard.
Sunday, June 25th, 2006
10:45 pm
I'm so discouraged. I have to practically kill myself to maintain the high weight I'm at... one or two days of normal eating and I'm a gigantic monster....i have turned into a balloon (full of fat).

I just feel like I've struggled and cried and beat myself up so much that I deserve to be skinny. I'm still an elephant.

I'm so sick of this shit. I'll never be able to accept myself fat, but I can't loose weight
Thursday, June 22nd, 2006
8:54 pm
This weekend was nuts, I ate way too much. I still feel like a monster, though I think I'm only one pound up... 144..
Eeek, weighing myself is terrifying.

Would people really like me more if I was thin? There are two polar opposite sides of my brain. One says That's retarded, nobody cares that you're a little bigger. You're just being insecure and ridiculous. If people don't like you, it's probably because you're so ridiculous! And then the other side says They're not taking you seriously...it's probably because you're chub-a-licious... You look slightly hilarious all the time. You have such potential because you're only a little overweight, why can't you just slim down?? Life would be 250% BETTER

I hired a new girl and trained her at work today....she's really nice and cute. She's not thin, but she's not fat either and she has a super cute, outgoing personality. How come I have to be so insecure and other people who aren't skinny are cool with it? I'd say insecurity is my biggest flaw...even bigger than being a fatass...(if that's possible). Infuriating. How does one stop being insecure? I'm sure it's just something that I'm perpetuating on my own by starving myself, loosing a pound or two and then freaking when I eat anything normal. I'm sure this is just all my fault....but even as I'm typing this, I'm like, slamming myself in my head. How stupid I am for having an eating disorder, how no matter what, everything is my fault 'cause I suck, etc. ERG. I just want to be thin. Even if I'm equally as insecure at 110lbs, I'd rather be there because weight owuld be one less thing to worry about. I've been worried about that for more than 10 years. God, I can't believe I'm still fat.

I remember being a little kid, probably grade 4 or something, baking cookies with a friend and her mom...and cursing myself in my head because I should have only had one cookie... It's such a vague memory, it's not very clear but fuck man....i can't even begin to understand where this originated..
Wednesday, June 21st, 2006
9:27 pm
Sean went nuts last night. My FRIEND (and only a friend) Greg and I like to playfight when we drink. Sean decided he had to fight greg. It turned into a fiasco and the host kicked sean outta the house before he could do anything. A few friends stayed at my place that night and sean showed up there, and shit on me for like, 45 minutes about greg, then he like, grabbed me and threw me on the ground and stuff. Two guy friends inside came out and were so close to killing sean. I should've let them. Why did I defend him? He's such an ass. I just don't want him around anymore but it's so hard to let go (or in my case, make him leave me alone). Things used to be so good, and i just wish they were again. We were so good for eachother.

I ate SO SO SO much today. I drank like a crazy person saturday night (which is high in cal enough), then sunday morning I was so hung over. I ate breakfast (eggs, toast, homefries), half a bag of chips, some cheese and crackers, chocolate, and cottage cheese. I'm a monster. I'm psycho. can't even loose a bit of weight. What a stupid weekend. I'm disgusting. No self control.

I want to be in the 130's so badly.
I want sean to just leave me alone.
I want to get a good night's sleep for once in my life.
I want to not be lonely anymore.
I want just a little control.
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